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sebuah kisah akan selalu terulang dan terus terulang, mungkin kisah yang hadir disini sudah usang. tapi akan terus berulang pada masa sekarang bahkan masa yang akan datang. selamat membaca!

January 07, 2004



maaf istriku, aku merokok lagi malam ini

:kepada intan meliawaty suci

malam ini rindu menusukku lagi. aku sudah mencoba menelponmu tapi kata pembantu kau sudah masuk kamar sejak sore tadi. pembantu baru kita itu bilang kau kena migrain lagi. mungkin kau kecapean, sayang. kau bilang kemarin, hari ini kau menerima pesanan makanan buat acara syukuran. aku tak mau mengganggumu, maka kubiarkan minah (benar kan minah nama pembantu baru kita itu?) menutup telpon malam ini. aku tak sempat mendengar ceritamu, tawamu dan kemanjaanmu yang biasanya mengantarku lelap tertidur.

semua pekerjaanku sudah selesai, padahal deadlinenya masih dua hari lagi. semangat bekerjaku tengah mencapai klimaks mungkin. malam ini kucoba menulis surat untukmu. tapi sia-sia. aku bingung menulis apa. tokh tiap hari kudengar suaramu. hanya malam ini saja aku tak mendengarnya. aku tak jadi menulis. mataku tertumbuk pada sebuah buku. buku milik temanku mungkin, tadi siang dia kemari. lupa membawanya pulang.

hanya buku biasa. buku sol ikan hias. tapi bukan bukunya yang membuatku menjadi lama menatap buku itu. tapi di atas buku itu ada sebungkus rokok. isinya masih banyak, aku tahu karena bungkusnya dalam keadaan terbuka. kok bisa ya temanku meninggalkannya disini? kalau buku sih aku wajar, tapi ini rokok.

tanganku ragu meraih bungkusan di atas buku itu. sudah hampir dua tahun aku tak merokok. ya, setelah aku menikah denganmu, rokok menjadi tidak begitu penting. bahkan hilang dalam kamus hidupku. tapi malam ini? kenapa tiba-tiba ada sebungkus rokok di mejaku? apakah tuhan yang mengirimkannya? sebagai obat rinduku padamu yang hampir meledak ini?

gamang tanganku meraih bungkus rokok itu. tapi kuraih juga akhirnya. hemm.. rokok favoriteku dulu. kubuka perlahan, aku mengambilnya satu. aku mencari-cari korek di sekitar meja, tapi tak ada. aku melangkah ke arah dapur, dan tetap tak kutemukan korek itu. saat aku berniat melempar rokok itu, ujung mataku menangkap sesuatu tepat di atas rak buku. sebuah zippo dari masa lalu. aku mengambilnya. ada yang bergetar dalam dada. aku tiba-tiba terharu.

zippo itu adalah sahabat setiaku dulu. istriku sebelum kunikahi engkau. ada banyak kisah yang tersimpan didalamnya. kenapa aku tiba-tiba bisa lupa dengan keberadaan zippo ini, istriku? apakah karena kau hadir dalam hidupku lantas aku seperti terlahir menjadi manusia baru? tanpa ingat akan masa lalu?

maaf istriku, malam ini aku merokok lagi. kejadian demi kejadian seperti menuntunku untuk kembali menghisap harum tembakau, menikmati setiap sepi menjadi gumpalan-gumpalan asap yang terbang menuju angkasa.

maaf istriku, aku tak bermaksud berkhianat padamu. waktu dan kesempatan yang telah menggiringku kembali menyalakan api lantas menghisap batang demi batang hingga menjadi abu.

maaf istriku!

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